I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.