Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’d hang this in my house.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x