Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
sliding into dms like
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.