I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You Might Also Like
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Meeeee too!
my one true gender
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze