anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If a snake ate a cake
the icebreaker
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.