Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college