don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”