[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
at ease…shoulder.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I support this random dude and all his protests
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?