Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
A dad and his duck
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”