I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?