I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.