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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.