Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99