Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
You Might Also Like
brian had himself a morning…
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”