[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.