[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.