What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My favorite female superhero
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.