[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
#Caturday
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.