If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”