me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.