People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
buying dead houseplants to save time
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.