Jupiter
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
the Monday after daylight savings
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*