I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn鈥檛 seen me in years. That鈥檚 likely because I鈥檇 always seen her first.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[Review]
Boss: We鈥檒l be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card鈥檚 still cool.
B: Sorry again, It鈥檚 the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I鈥檓 a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
#Caturday
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
I know I鈥檓 getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]