Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
What?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.