Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Follow me for more life hacks.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”