What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
secret recipe
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I found your tweet-up…
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come