Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.