“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”