The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My safe word is Worcestershire
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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