My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.