[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.