The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.