At least he brought enough for everyone
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Name this drama.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot