I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.