Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.