Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You Might Also Like
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Just parrot things
Fight
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Me too 😆
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami