So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.