[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can鈥檛 remember her birthday
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you鈥檙e trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
You can put a human being on the moon but you can鈥檛 make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
it鈥檚 so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Your call is very important to us, here鈥檚 six days of irritating music.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
Worlds greatest photobomb
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That鈥檚 a cactus
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I鈥檓 a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone