I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume