in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
This came to me in a dream.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.