I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
sry
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.