HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit