HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
These aliens are taking forever.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
kitchen magnet
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.