ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
don’t we all
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Oh, I bet you would be
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.