I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.