[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
new record!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok