Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.