Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
back to work
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?