Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth