I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.